Apple’s Mystery Announcement from the big "J"

Posted on by editor

The technological world is giddy with the latest data on Jobs. Big “J,” mind ya. The employment picture is still under water, but there’s not a cloud in the sky when it comes to another magical mystery event to be hosted by Steve Jobs.

Steve is Moses in this world, and we’re all expecting him to come down from Cupertino mountain with a tablet or two in tow. At least that’s what the rumors say.

The actual Apple press release says, “Come see our latest creation.” And there are lots of paint splotches all over it.

Here it is:

If the rumors are correct, on Wednesday, Jan 27th, Stevo will be debuting Apple’s tablet device. The iTablet, iSlate, iPad?… Everyone is guessing. [Many are also hoping it will not be called “the iPad.”] Either way, in typical secret agent style, Apple has not said a single word about what it will announce next week on hump day. For all we know it could be Apple’s attempt to reshape, define, and dominate the paintball game market….

But I’m still excited.

We’ve seen what Apple did for the all-in-one computer (the iMac), the digital music revolution (the iPod), and then finally a smart cell phone we don’t hate (the iPhone). So is now another defining moment? Will we all think back on this time decades later and tell wistful tales to drain the life force from our grandkids about exactly what we were doing when we first learned of the Apple tablet? Maybe. Regardless, most of us purple Kool-Aide connoisseurs are secretly hoping that Apple will create another digital device we’ll wonder how we lived without.

We’re all bipolar about it too.

We know without a doubt it’s going to separate us from hard earned money and it will seem too expensive the moment it’s announced. Dell and Microsoft will blather on about how they can make one with a trackball for less than $39, but we’ll just have to have the Apple one, right?

How did I ever keep up with email on the go before my iPhone? Now less than 90 seconds can pass before I’m able to see the latest 72 yard long forward of cute animal pictures from my Mom. I used to loathe text messages and having to thumb through 3 letters on each key to get the right one. And where is the freakin’ apostrophe again?! Now I pound out text messages like Mozart. My 2 thumbs blaze away on the iPhone’s miniscule keyboard and somehow come up with most of the right letters in spite of each one of my digits easily covering half of it. Kids today don’t even email anymore. They say it’s dead. Soon even text messaging will be dead. No doubt replaced by tiny dancing 3D fairies from Avatar that deliver our desperately important communiques to each others’ phones. Hey, as long as there’s fairy dust and an expensive gadget from Apple to buy, I’m in.

What did I ever do before I had iDevices?…

My crystal ball says Apple’s tablet device will be somewhat like a large iPhone, but much more than simply a larger screen. I predict it will attempt to save the newspaper and magazine industries (which are collapsing) by making reading on a digital device fun, while costing real dinero. I predict adults over 40 who are honest enough to admit they own a magnifying glass, will fall in love with the larger screen. I predict that by noon next Wednesday, Amazon’s Kindle will look like an 8 track tape deck. I predict Apple’s tablet will be easy and fun to watch movies and play games on. I predict that it will do video conferencing over wi-fi and possibly by Summer run on another cellular network other than the much adored AT & T. I predict that Microsoft has a crack team standing by to undertake a spectacularly bad attempt to copy it, will eventually decide to make theirs brown, and give it an inspirationally poor name like “Veen.”

If even half of the rumors are true, this device will control all living and inert objects in your home. The next time my dog starts barking at 2am, I touch a button on the iSlate and ZAP! A Valium mist is released from her collar and I can go back to the business of dreaming of Intuit’s demise. When I wake up with it next to my bed, I can command my coffee maker to brew, read the morning paper while I wait, and ask the garbage cans to move down to the curb.

Other rumors suggest that the finger gestures needed to control this device will require a 10-week Tai Chi class and piano lessons. Or what about the 3D graphics that will force us to wear funny glasses so we can see our “forgot your password?” prompts lift up into the air and shake a finger at us? Yeah, that’ll be cool.

College kids are starting to dream that a digital delivery of their text books (highlighting included) will save them more money for beer. That is, of course, after they convince Ma and Pa that they must have the device “for school.”

Will we also see the iLife and iWork suites updated to match the year we’re in? Will one or both suddenly be touch activated so we can use them on the new Apple Tablet? Is Stevo about to announce iPhone OS 4 as well?

Other than Steve and a handful of imprisoned Apple employees, who knows? For the rest of the world, unencumbered by non-disclosure contracts, we get to walk around at liberty, provide Apple with free advertising space in our mouths, and eventually find out the truth sometime between 10 and 11am, Cupertino Time, next Wednesday morning.

But honestly, isn’t this a little bit fun?

Stay Tuned…



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4 Responses to Apple’s Mystery Announcement from the big "J"

  1. ian says:

    >Hee, hee! I can't wait. Need to grab a bucket of popcorn when I watch the announcement. I want my tablet to act as a rocket-controlled aero boogie board. If GM isn't going to deliver my flying car, Apple will!

  2. Mick's Tips says:

    >Yeah, where are those flying cars, anyway? Weren't we promised those decades ago. It's already bloody 2010! There are already many people wanting Stevo to take over GM or have Apple start their own car company. What would Jonathan Ive design?… Hmm…

  3. Justin Bradshaw says:

    >Hey Mick, great job with the pre-iPad predictions. Except the camera part of course 🙂
    Oh, and don't worry about the "iCar"… Tesla has a big jump on that!

  4. Mick's Tips says:

    >Tesla is really amazing, but even more amazing is that they suggest you can get SEVEN people in the S model! I think when you make a claim like that you have to state in fine print, "does not apply to non-clowns."

    Thanks for your comments, Justin. How did you find us?



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